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Monday, November 26, 2012

Sometimes I Just Want to Give Up

Today has been really challenging and it was a bucket kind of day. I was vomiting all day today to the point where my throat is burnt, worse than before. I started running a fever today and I feel all achy, kind of like you get before you get the flu. I had a flu shot. If this is a stomach virus, I will curl up into a ball and sob. I can't handle being back in the hospital right now. My stomach keeps spasming and I have a pain in my upper left side. It almost feels like I've been sucker punched. It's like one huge knot in my stomach that won't uncurl.

My doctor is still working on my referral to the Mayo Clinic. I hope something is done for this soon. It's hard to keep my anti-nausea medications down. I want to finish college and I don't want to travel with a bucket anymore. I can't be around certain friends because if I start vomiting, they will too. I feel like I'm left out of almost everything because of my illness. I'm being ignored by friends. No one comes over to my house anymore to keep me company because it's not close to MARTA (the public transportation here). It's just depressing to be shunned, even though that's not their intention. But, still, it hurts.

I'm trying to hang on to the positive but it seems like the negative keeps out weighing it. This is just a lonely road. People keep telling me I'm strong but I don't feel strong. I miss being social and I miss my friends. I've made some really great ones on the Gastroparesis community page on Facebook. They've given me some great advice. It's just hard to stay optimistic all of the time when you're always bent over the toilet or a bucket.

I guess I'm just full of self pity tonight. I loved when people came over to hang out with me, it would distract me. I really could use the distraction.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm feeling so sick and I'm so frustrated by being so sick and not being able to do the things I love to do. I wish I could just get rid of the pain and constant vomiting ... but the sad thing is, I know people have this worse than I do. That makes me feels selfish that I'm whining so much.
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