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Saturday, July 21, 2012

Bitterness

*Please don't take offense to what I have written below. I'm not targeting anyone or anything - just writing down my own personal feelings at the moment. Please don't be angry or think I'm talking about anyone/anything in particular. Just getting out some feelings.*

Bitterness. That about sums up my mood for the Summer. I know that this entry is going to sound selfish but I need to get it out there.

I'm just tired. I feel like I haven't had a break. All of my friends are gone for the Summer - off visiting family, trips to the beach, and having fun. I'm stuck here trying to work on things and that's difficult when I'm vomiting six to eight times a day. Just picture yourself having food poisoning 24/7 and being nauseated all day, it's almost like that. I sat in the bathroom and cried for an hour tonight - just because I was in so much pain emotionally and physically. =(

I'm just insanely jealous. Where's my vacation and my trip to the beach? I spent my 10 year dating anniversary with my husband in the hospital. It just makes me incredibly depressed. I get stuck doing work because I'm home and I'm not going anywhere. It's not that I don't mind doing work or anything like that but I want to go to the beach with my husband for a week and block out school completely.

I sometimes feel like I'm taken advantage of because people know I'm always home. It's why I've been off of the grid for the past three days. It's not that I mind helping or anything like that - I feel like it's just not fair. I know that life isn't fair, but damn. I know that feeling is unfounded, but it's in the back of my mind - chipping away. It makes me even more sad.

I am tired of going to the doctor and traveling with a bucket. Monday is my psych evaluation to make sure that I have the right mental facilities for the permanent implant trial. The leads will be placed inside of my epidural fluid and the wires will come out of my back into a pager sized battery. I will wear it for 5 to 7 days and I will be unable to take a shower with the device in as well as to be unable to move certain ways. I hope it works for my knee.

Also, I'm trying to get the endometrosis in check. There is a special pharmacy that the Lupron is coming from. They will talk to my insurance to get my insurance to cover it and then the doctor will administer the injection. I will have two over the course of the six months. If I don't notice an immediate change, they're going to go in surgically and clean the endometrosis.

I haven't heard back from the Motility Specialist about whether or not the Smart Pill is covered. I should probably call her on Monday and make sure she hasn't forgotten about me. She wants to confirm that I have gastroparesis. I want to throw up on her shoes. I don't like her very much.

Anyway, I'm at home, wallowing in self pity and loathing because I can't do anything other than work or play on my computer. That gets old after a while. I've been reading on my Kindle a lot. It's nice to escape into someone else's world for a while.

I'm exhausted right now and it's only 8pm. I haven't done anything today besides read and watch a movie on TV. My husband and roommate went to see the new Batman movie. I hope that my stomach will stay under control so that I can watch it too. Right now, I'm nauseated and my stomach is swollen and bloated. I have intense amounts of pain from the spasms coming from my stomach muscles. My diaphragm is sore from vomiting violently. My throat is swollen and burnt from the stomach acid that I can barely swallow pills. I've had two pills get stuck in the back of my throat today.

I just want to go back to sleep. When I sleep, there's no sickness. It's peaceful - except for the nightmares.

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