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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Severe Emotional and Physical Pain

For the past few days, the abdominal cramps have gotten so much worse. I've had esophageal spasms more than I usually do. My stomach feels like I've been sucker punched and I have NO interest in eating at all.

I've been keeping a food diary to keep track of what and when I eat and I haven't eaten very much in the last week. I miss food. I hate that food is the enemy. I don't understand how I'm not losing more weight though. I mean, my weight, I've lost about 15 pounds total, but now it's staying steady. But I'm not really eating...so I don't understand.

My friend has been staying with me and she helped take care of me this past weekend when everyone was gone. My husband was at a convention, my roommate was in San Fransisco, and my other roomie was visiting her parent's. I'm glad my friend was here because I went hypoglycemic about four times. This is still new to me but she was able to make me eat and get some food in me, it didn't stay down, but it got me to stop slurring my words so I guess some of it stayed down.

I'm frustrated and tired. I just want to give up. I've got a lot of unnecessary stress on me right now and it's making me feel worse. The depression has really hit me today and usually, I'm not a depressed person. I had dreams last night and each dream had me buried alive or trapped in some way. It was horrible.

I'm worried about school and if I don't take this one class I need then I have to wait ANOTHER year to graduate. However, at the rate my stomach is going, I won't be able to take a class because I vomit about 6 to 8 times a day, even if there's nothing left. It burns. My throat is so swollen that I can barely swallow pills. I have no energy today. I feel drained. Emotionally drained too, like I have just gotten done with a funeral.

I'm really just upset and sick. Last night was horrible. I need to get out of this house, somehow, for a little while. I really want to go and watch Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter to get out of the house. I know that the smell alone will make me ill but I wonder if it would be worth it, just to get out. Or even have my husband drive me around the neighborhood to the park so I can swing for a bit. I just need to do SOMETHING! I feel useless and unloved, which is stupid because I know I'm loved.

My birthday is on Saturday. I was looking forward to my party because it's zombie themed and everything is just going to be amazing. But now, I just am so lethargic that I feel like, why am I doing this? I don't have the energy for this? I just feel so extremely tired - like the fight is gone out of me. I'm tired, so very tired.
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